...On the Wild Side

Chapter Twenty-Three…Not the End

I’ve been dreading this moment for the last two weeks. I’m not sure what it will take to finish this, and I’m not sure that I’m even capable of doing it now, but I’ll try. I’m home. After four months of prolonged travel and perpetual tourism I’m home. I’ve also been to school, and gone through all of the smiles, meals, and long awaited hellos. I’ve been able to talk to people about my experience this semester, but I haven’t really thought about it. I like it that way. If you have been following along with me during this period, you are obviously aware that this semester has been full of stories and events, most of which have come from trials. I’m not really sure if there’s a proper way to internalize a semester’s worth of learning and traveling. I’d like to believe that I learned enough to make me into a new man, but surely enough I have slipped back into all of my old attitudes and habits. I had hope beyond all hope that I would be changed, but as far as everyone else can I see, I am completely the same person. But I’m not.

I feel different inside. I know a lot more about the ways that I process life. I have become accustomed to these changes already, so I look the same but I still feel different. No one but God can look inside my heart and see everything that’s different from before, and the lenses that others present to my soul cannot decipher the microscopic shifts in my character. I’m quieter now, which I despise. I have not had a major outburst of humor or stupidity in quite sometime. I’m older now, which I enjoy. Walking around I feel that those who know me have been speaking to me in more solemn ways and I feel respected. I’m different now, which those close to me do not understand. Those who know me intimately seem to be misguided in their perceptions of who I am. But the hardest part is that I cannot correct them, because I have not yet been able to identify all of the changes or their implications in my soul. I’m a bit lost, about as lost as I had been previously on the trip. Only now I’m at home, but I’m still searching for my sense of stability.

I’m deeply in need of some guidance, because my expectations of home were purely speculative and I’m too dazed to comprehend the differences. Recently I’ve been more kind than I ever have, but at times I’ve also been more of an asshole. I’ve been more understanding and faithful at times, I’ve also been more confused and fearful at others. I need a lot of Jesus, but Jesus is not answering in the ways that I am expecting him too and neither are any other parts of my life. It figures that I’m going through all of this at the same time. I’m in need of a break, with no questions and only answers. I’m in need of a lot of heaven before I go on in my life, because I was wrong about a lot of things, and my better judgments have failed me. I’m pretty broken, but the good kind of broken. The kind of broken where you’re not too bad to fix, and it’s a great opportunity to install some upgrades. So bring it. I guess.

Who says you’re can’t still be traveling even at home?

This is not the end…Still on the Wild Side.

- Justin Glenn Davis